Before moving to Blogger, I've set up camp on several blogging platforms--Blurty, Tabulas, and Multiply are the ones that come into mind--a couple of them still actually exist. I was a very moody blogger back then, wiping out entire archives when I feel frustrated or disappointed with my life (which I believe, is a better practice than slashing your wrist), thus removing from existence some entries that could've made a profound impact on a reader's life (chos).
Good thing I have backups of my journals. Heh.
Well not the entirety of my blogging life, just some entries that I managed to save. The oldest post in my archive dates back to October 23, 2003, which I believe was my first ever entry in Tabulas. In that entry, I was just listing down links of my other sites in the Web, but since most of the links are already defunct, it would be rather useless to share it here.
The next entries after that are mostly online quizzes and forwarded articles, but the oldest "profound" entry I was able to dig up was this one, dated February 5, 2004. It goes (I'm gonna highlight the good parts, haha):
Life and Death
Entry posted February 5th, 2004 @ 01:28 AM GMT
i don't know why, but every time i ride the shuttle going home, Death is the only thing that occupies my thoughts. throughout the ride, all i can think of is the idea that some tragic accident would happen to the van i am riding. [God, ok lang kung biglang mag-swerve ang sasakyan na 'to at tumalsik sa Skyway], [Sige pa Manong Driver, bilisan mo pa para mag-collide tayo doon sa sasakyan sa harapan natin], [Will nothing exciting happen to this ride tonight?!]... ...everyday i think of these things, everyday i challenge Death to show His face to me.
I guess last night was my lucky night, so to speak.
i did the stupidest mistake a few steps away from the gate of my house... i let a strange dog eat out of my hand. well, not that the dog was a complete stranger, being owned by the house next door (plus i had a number of encounters with her, gabi-gabi na lang tinatahulan niya ako habang naglalakad ako pauwi)... actually, it was the puppy that the dog was with that i intend to feed. it just so happened that that dog also approached me when she saw me feeding her puppy. so out of compassion (or stupidity) i also offered the food i was holding out to her. maybe she was really, really hungry, or that she mistook my hand as part of the scraps i was feeding them, but she kinda bit my hand as she was getting the food. the bite wasn't that big, just a itsy-bitsy puncture wound on my right index finger (kinda like a puncture would from a needle), but nevertheless, it IS a bite from a strange dog. i might have given myself the rabies.
Rabies is a viral infection that people ususally get from animal bites (particulary dog bites)... depending on the bite, symptoms may occur anytime from 9 days to weeks after the bite. symptoms start from a slight fever, to headaches, to restlessness and loss of appetite, to inability to drink water, and eventually to coma and death--if not treated early. this it what scares me. i have no idea is the dog is a rabid dog (i mean, she has a owner, so probably inaalagan rin siya kahit papano), plus the wound is so small, almost insignificant. i don't know if i should be paranoid or cynical, be careful or just go on with my life...
...question is, how long will by life be, given the stupid thing that i did? ...to think that a few minutes prior to the bite i was challenging Death to show His face to me.
be careful what you wish for, Iam. it may come true.
(off topic) Merriam-Webster Online's Word for the Day is:
contumacious (kahn-too-MAY-shuss) | adjective
: stubbornly disobedient : rebellious
...wala lang, everyday useless information for my patrons, hehe. :)
Geez, I never realized how morbid I was. Was I that much of a troubled soul before?
In fairness there were happy entries in my archive as well, like this one when I was blogging the events of my birthday:
I am now, officially, a 20-Something
Entry posted March 9th, 2004 @ 08:00 AM GMT
woke up to the sound of The Happy Birthday Song. LITERALLY. i was in the... ehem... *potty* that morning, doing my morning routine, when i heard The Happy Birthday Song playing in the living room. it turned out that my dad was playing a videoke compilation of birthday songs... geez, my dad can really get so cheesy...
...still the gesture was sweet. so touching, in fact. i cried my heart out in the bathroom.
'twas nice to know that there are people who would go to ends just to make your day memorable... about 11 people flooded my cellphone's inbox just to greet me at the stroke of midnight (unfortunately, i was asleep that time that's why i wasn't able to respond immediatedly to their greetings)... and then, there's my dad's videoke gimik... then when i arrived at the office, a bag of Hershey's Kisses was sitting on top of my keyboard (still don't know who gave it, though)... a few more people flooded my YM acccount with greetings... and my batchmates gave me two gifts (Lock and Lock baunan [just what i needed!] and a box of Kleenex with Nemo designs on it)... i also received a birthday card from my officemates...
my day is far from over, hopefully... there are still some greetings i expect to receive, plus i'll be treating my family to a dinner at North Park, ATC (my first-ever blowout!)...
...if only people would be this expressive, showing how special they are to each other, then the world will be a whole lot better place to live in.
left the office quite early to meet up with my mom... we are to leave work early so that we can squeeze in the dinner plans for that day... we were already in Alabang when my friend Dyane texted me, telling that they were at the office, with cake, planning to surprise me for my birthday... it turned out that they were the ones who were surprised because i already left na pala... oo nga, eh. nanghinayang rin ako. cake rin 'yun... we then became wistful and recalled our college days; back then surprises where easier to implement.
i got a message from miko saying that i inform him when i get home. when i arrived at home, i text him and told him that i arrived at my house but will be leaving again because i will be treating the family with dinner. then i wore my most loose pants (matindi-tinding kainan kasi ito), i waited 'til everyone is set, left my cellphone in the house (actually the only thing i brought with me was the money for the bill), and headed to ATC with my family.
dinner was great. the food was great, the company was great. mom and dad were sweeter than usual, with dad serving mom and both of them sharing their food with each other (they're not usually like that kapag sa bahay kami kumakain)... we were actually like the happy family one sees in advertisements, and i was really happy to be part it... seeing my family happy like that was the best birthday gift i received.
as we got back home, i texted miko and told him that i already got back home. a few moments later he called and greeted me a happy birthday. the conversation was pleasant, with us updating each other on how our week went, and what are the things we could look forward to in the following weeks. both of us are in relatively good moods, kaya napasarap rin ang kwentuhan. or maybe its because we haven't heard each others' voices for a month.
i had no party, i received simple gifts, at napagastos pa ako dahil ako ang nam-blowout... but so far, this birthday is one of the best birthdays i ever had.
i have seen my birthday from the eyes of an adult, and this is one of the most beautiful views i've had. :-D
Merriam-Webster Online's Word of the Day:
swivet (SWIV-ut) | noun
: a state of extreme agitation
The residents of Cedar Hills are in a swivet over the state's proposal to extend the highway through their town.
Ah, yes I was with my first boyfriend back then. There were also entries (a lot of them, actually) talking about my relationship with him, but they were all cringe-worthy so I won't be posting them here.
Hm... maybe except this one. Because I believe in the Rule of Three, I'll be sharing three posts. This third post is perhaps my most emotionally-charged entry of all time. Even 'til this day, I can feel the anger and bitterness that I was feeling when I was writing this entry:
Entry posted July 23rd, 2004 @ 02:48 PM GMT
Foreword: Anger is another big factor which seems to be necessary in order to face the reality of life and then to get beyond it. We must all heal in our own ways. Anger is a natural stage through which we must pass. Your anger... may even make you feel guilty, or it may be because... life continues...
--The Phases of Grief
"sori 4 evrything.sori s lahat ng pgkukulang ko.sori at ako ang unang bumigay.sori at nsaktan kta.sori tlga.sori at kelangan mgtpos s gni2.my only intention is 4 u 2 get wat u realy deserve.sana nga u find some1 better than me.sori things didnt work as we planned.im very sori" (Sent: 20-July-2004, 21:27:47)
You are so full of crap.
Who gave you the right to tell me what I deserve? From the way you said it, it seems that you are implying that I don't deserve you. Fuck you. Why, what is it that you have--more so, what is it that I lack, to justify my unworthiness to be in a relationship with you?
You keep telling me (and even those who are interested enough to hear your side of the story) that the reason why you did this is because you want what's best for me. You know what? You're deluded. You are so full of yourself. You think you know everything, even what's best for me. But how can you know that, when in the first place, you know so little about maintaining a relationship? The truth is, what you did isn't even close to doing what's "best." What you did was quit. And quitting is never the best way to handle a situation.
You know what I think is best? I think it's best for you to have an hourglass shoved up your ass. Besides, the only excuse you can give me as to why you haven't been *there* for me is because there's not enough time. You always say that you can't make it because you have to devote your time to your programming exercises. Your weekends are always full because your presence is greatly needed at home; for you are the responsible son among your five other siblings. Even a few seconds of your time cannot be utilized for a simple 'gudnyt' via SMS. God forbid, those few precious moments could cause the failure of your Special Problem. Now maybe--just maybe--with that hourglass up your ass, you might have the extra time that you need for you attend to your other commitments in life.
And what is this crap about you having good intentions? That it will only be unfair to me if our relationship persisted? That my patience and tolerance are ineffectual because I am not getting much in return? How dare you insult my approach in handling a relationship. How dare you doubt my determination in adhering to our commitment. Of course, what I had been enduring was an ardous task. But my choice to hold on was because I know what benefits we will reap if we were able to get through this together. Or was it only I that was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Why did you belittle the capacity of our relationship? Why must you think that what we had can't get any better? That we were doomed to spend the rest of our relationship with me forever waiting for you, and you unable to reciprocate--or even give more--than what I offered? I pity you for your lack of foresight. Above all, I am utterly disappointed by your lack of faith.
Having said all these, what is left for me to do is to respect your decision, as much as I feel that your selfish desire to preserve your manly pride is the main reason for you to act so inconsiderately. No, you weren't thinking of me when you decided to end our relationship. How can you say that, when it was I who constantly reassured us, saying that I wanted our relationship to work out? That I won't let go? You didn't do this for us. You did this for yourself. Your cowardly, faithless, egoistic, pompous self.
Yes, there are two--even many--sides to a story. This is my side to our story, and I know you've got yours, too. You may tell them of your shortcomings and mistakes, and you can tell them of my shortcomings and mistakes--those I know, as well as those I know nothing about. But don't EVER tell them that what happened is for the best--that is just your opinion, and you have no right to speak for the both of us, not anymore. Moreover, don't flatter yourself by saying that you have my good intentions in mind. I suggest that you grow up first and learn the basics of keeping a relationship. Maybe after that, you'd know the true meaning of "good intentions."
*breathe in, breathe out* ...I feel soooooo much better now.
I'm planning to contribute this entry to Ampalaya Monologues. I do not have the talent to perform a piece on stage, so it is perfectly fine with me that another person would perform this piece. Should the production accept my contribution, I am open to further tweaking of the piece, just to improve its dramatic impact, but I hope that they credit me so I can have a few minutes of fame. Hahaha, wishful thinking.